“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”

Summary

The title of this blog may be “September”, but it’s really more of a summary of things for the last few months.

Where to start?

Hmmm. Maybe a little honesty and insight is useful. Prior to August 2022 I thought it was perfectly normal to have a general distaste for life, and that we all just went through because of some strange biological compulsion. What I am trying to stress here is that for the first time in 28 years I have become happy.

When I started my new job, I quickly realised that my demeanour had changed significantly. My reactive responses to questions became different. When asked “how are you?” my old response would be “Fine, thanks, you?”, now I find myself saying “Fantastic! You?”. Whilst this may seem silly and trivial it is something that I could not help but say, and that is how I realised that life can be good.

What changed?

Why am I compelled to be happy?

Well, I don’t have to be stressed any more. I finally feel like my life has started to be worth something. This change has come about through three shakeups:

1. PhD is done
2. I have my dream job
3. Moved to London

Doing the PhD was one of the best things I have done with my life, but OH GOD am I glad it’s dead.

PhD’s are unsuitable for humans

Allow me to be perfectly clear: my supervisor, friends and most of the people I interacted with during my studies are amazing people and have been lovely to me. But, there is something… something I can’t quite perfectly explain. Maybe it’s the unspoken (sometimes) expectation within academia to overwork, or the disgusting salaries paid to the backbone of our academic system, the PhD students. Maybe it’s the uncertainty? It could even be the loneliness. Yes, as a student I was surrounded by caring people, but they had their projects and I had mine. Sometimes we worked adjacent to one another, but we each had very specific things which we owned. Perhaps it’s the feeling of simultaneously being expected to be a world leading expert on a topic whilst also constantly being bombarded with questions that make you feel stupid?

I loved my PhD experience, but I am so glad it is dead. I cannot in good faith suggest that anyone take that path, if they have an alternative.

Respect makes a world of difference!

It had always been my dream to pursue academia, and I never even considered leaving. Until I did.

These thoughts and feelings are only able to come to the surface because I am now free of the academic system.

Allow me to elaborate: when in academia I was constantly encouraged to perform outreach, to teach and to participate with the wider community… BUT NOT DURING WORKING HOURS. So when did they expect this? And when people did these extra activities there was always the question of “will this damage your research?”. Academia expects everything from you, and then asks for more.

When I migrated to academia-adjacent work I was taken aback by the encouragement I received to pursue the things that made me happy:

• “Can I arrange this hackathon?” - “Yes Aoife, let us know how we can support you”.
• “Can I use work time to do data science work with this relevant charity” - “Sure”.
• “Can I apply for these grants?” - “Of course, we will happily support you”.

Respect. That’s the difference. My new workplace respects me, they make me feel like what I say and do matters. They prove this by backing me. The same things are felt in how they respect thoughts and opinions about work projects too.

I always dreamed of living in a city

When I first read The Great Gatsby I was obsessed with the character. Perhaps I missed the points about obsessive love and the destruction that it can bring. What I saw was someone who saw the world how they wanted it to be and then made it so.

A large part of this was the running away from home. My final stage of running away is making it to London.

To shopping, to sitting in cafés, eating good food and socialising. Late night trains and lights which never go out. The 3 am shouts and the 6 am door slams. These are the things I’ve craved for.

Conclusion

Sorry for the rambling. I started writing this in one mood and then fell to another. Thanks Bon Iver. They have that effect, wouldn’t you agree?

Anyway, life is really good. I wish this post could be sent backwards and that I could read it a year ago. I needed it then.